The Microsoft Strategy in C

The Microsoft Strategy in C
---------------------------


#include <nonsense.h>
#include <lies.h>
#include <spyware.h> /* Microsoft Network Connectivity library */
#include <process.h> /* For the court of law */
#define say(x) lie(x)
#define computeruser ALL_WANT_TO_BUY_OUR_BUGWARE
#define next_year soon
#define the_product_is_ready_to_ship another_beta_version

void main()

{

if (latest_window_version>one_month_old)

{

if (there_are_still_bugs)

market(bugfix);

if (sales_drop_below_certain_point)

raise(RUMOURS_ABOUT_A_NEW_BUGLESS_VERSION);

}

while(everyone_chats_about_new_version)

{

make_false_promise(it_will_be_multitasking);/* Standard Call,
in lie.h */

if (rumours_grow_wilder)

make_false_promise(it_will_be_plug_n_play);

if (rumours_grow_even_wilder)

{

market_time=ripe;
say("It will be ready in one month);
order(programmers, stop_fixing_bugs_in_old_version);
order(programmers, start_brainstorm_about_new_version);
order(marketingstaff, permission_to_spread_nonsense);
vapourware=TRUE;
break;

}

}

switch (nasty_questions_of_the_worldpress)

{

case WHEN_WILL_IT_BE_READY:

say("It will be readyin", today+30_days," we're just
testing");
break;

case WILL_THIS_PLUG_AND_PLAY_THING_WORK:

say("Yes it will work");
ask(programmers, why_does_it_not_work);
pretend(there_is_no_problem);
break;

case WHAT_ARE_MINIMAL_HARDWARE_REQUIREMENTS:

say("It will run ona 8086 with lightning speed due to" "
the 32 bits architecture");
inform(INTEL, "Pentium sales will rise skyhigh");
inform(SAMSUNG, "Start a new memorychip plant 'cos all
those customerswill need at least 32 megs");
inform(QUANTUM, "Thanks to our fatware your sales will
triple");
get_big_bonus(INTEL, SAMSUNG, QUANTUM);
break;

case DOES_MICROSOFT_GET_TOO_MUCH_INFLUENCE:

say("Oh no, we are justhere to make a better world for
everyone");
register(journalist, Big_Bill_Book);

when(time_is_ripe)

{

arrest(journalist);
brainwash(journalist);

when(journalist_says_windows95_is_bugfree)

{

order(journalist, "writea nice objective
article");
release (journalist);

}

}

break;

}

while (vapourware)

{

introduction_date++; /* Delay*/
if (no_one_believes_anymore_there_will_be_a_release) break;
say("It will be ready in",today+ONE_MONTH);

}

release(beta_version)

while (everyone_is_dumb_enough_to_buy_our_bugware)

{

bills_bank_account += 150*megabucks;
release(new_and_even_better_beta_version);
introduce(more_memory_requirements);

if (customers_report_installation_problems)

{

say("that is a hardwareproblem, not a software problem");

if (smart_customer_says_but_you_promised_plug_and_pla
y)

{

ignore(customer);
order(microsoft_intelligence_agency, "Keep an eye on
this bastard");

}

}

if (there_is_another_company)

{

steal(their_ideas);
accuse(compagny, stealing_our_ideas);
hire(a_lot_of_lawyers); /* in process.h */
wait(until_other_company_cannot_afford_another_law
suit);
buy_out(other_company);

}

} /* Now everyone realizesthat we sell bugware and they are
all angry at us */

order(plastic_surgeon, make_bill_look_like_poor_bastard);
buy(nice_little_island);
hire(harem);
laugh_at(everyone,
for_having_the_patience_year_after_year_for_anothe
r_unfinished_version);

}



void bugfix(void)

{

charge (a_lot_of_money);

if (customer_says_he_does_not_want_to_pay_for_bugfix)


say("It is not a bugfixbut a new version");

if (still_complaints)

{

ignore(customer);
register(customer, Big_Bill_Book); /* We'll get him when everyone usesBillware!!*/

}

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